Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Remembering...




Slowly but surely my memories of Hadley are more like a sweet dream and less like a nightmare. For over a month now I have been 'haunted' by memories of her last 12 hours of life. They were hard. The hardest of my life. My sweet girl was struggling to breathe...apologized that she 'had to go' and eventually was unresponsive. Those memories have been hard for me to handle. I have begged to have them replaced with sweet memories of happier times. While this eases my heart in one way it also makes the grieving process harder (if that's even possible).

When you lose your child there is no way to make any sense of it. You just can't. Children aren't supposed to get sick and die. Especially not your own child. But, when your child is sick and suffering it makes as much sense as it possibly can...you feel a sense of relief for them that they are not suffering anymore...then the memories of a healthier, happier child return and it no longer makes ANY sense at all. How could this have happened? These are the thoughts that run through my head from day to day.

Today I was remembering my favorite little chocoholic. In this picture she was 6 and in Kindergarten. She had snuck into the pantry and taken out the whole Costco sized bag of chocolate chips. Don't worry though, she has manners. She did get a plate out. This is exactly how I found her. When I asked her what was going on she told me she was "Havin' Snack Mom". I can still hear her voice, very matter of fact. She only broke out that endearing crooked little smile of hers when she realized how funny I thought this was. Of course then Hadley the ham made an appearance and she fake laughed for about 5 minutes straight.

I miss her so much. I will miss her every day of my life.

8 comments:

the Sisson's said...

What a "sweet" memory. Thank you so much for sharing. I mean it. You have such a clear way of explaining yourself. I hope you can feel the support of all the "ears" (eyes) that tune into your blog. Hang in there - one day at a time...

Amanda: said...

Thank you for sharing that, Mama Fox. Brought tears to my eyes. I think of you every single day.

Dawnette said...

Thank you for sharing such a precious memory with us. I love the picture- her chocolate was very neat and ready to be eaten. I continue to pray for your family - may the Lord provide these memories at the right time to help the healing and bring some comfort. Thank you for your honesty.

stb said...

What an awesome story and great memory to have of your sweet daughter. I have no words other than I am so very sorry for your loss.

shauna Wagner said...

so many memories make me smile. she loved her chocolate! thank God for the good memories. we are praying for you and love you bunches.

kmc said...

I used to have a Costco bag of chocochips...used to... ;)

hang in there...you are always in my thoughts and prayers, your sweet girl is so much in my heart...I pray you find peace in each moment as it comes.

peace,
Kristin, G & R's mom

Kathy Hooper said...

Angela,
Thank you so much for sharing that "sweet" story about your precious girl. I continue to pray for you and your family daily.
Kathy Hooper

Huston Family said...

I can only imagine how sweet that memory truly is!! Her croocked little smile brought to many smile's to others!!!