Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Slowly but surely my memories of Hadley are more like a sweet dream and less like a nightmare. For over a month now I have been 'haunted' by memories of her last 12 hours of life. They were hard. The hardest of my life. My sweet girl was struggling to breathe...apologized that she 'had to go' and eventually was unresponsive. Those memories have been hard for me to handle. I have begged to have them replaced with sweet memories of happier times. While this eases my heart in one way it also makes the grieving process harder (if that's even possible).
When you lose your child there is no way to make any sense of it. You just can't. Children aren't supposed to get sick and die. Especially not your own child. But, when your child is sick and suffering it makes as much sense as it possibly can...you feel a sense of relief for them that they are not suffering anymore...then the memories of a healthier, happier child return and it no longer makes ANY sense at all. How could this have happened? These are the thoughts that run through my head from day to day.
Today I was remembering my favorite little chocoholic. In this picture she was 6 and in Kindergarten. She had snuck into the pantry and taken out the whole Costco sized bag of chocolate chips. Don't worry though, she has manners. She did get a plate out. This is exactly how I found her. When I asked her what was going on she told me she was "Havin' Snack Mom". I can still hear her voice, very matter of fact. She only broke out that endearing crooked little smile of hers when she realized how funny I thought this was. Of course then Hadley the ham made an appearance and she fake laughed for about 5 minutes straight.
I miss her so much. I will miss her every day of my life.