Keegan's Birthday Party...

Now that it's mid, almost late, February I figured I'd post Keegan's birthday pictures. =)

Here are a few from school:





Here are a few from Papa's Pizza:

The Ugly Truth...

Because so many people have claimed to admire my strength and perseverance, I feel a need to share some 'weaknesses'.

1. My Hadley left this earth more than 2 months ago. Her room remains as it was the day the hospital came to pick up her specialty furniture. I haven't done ANYTHING with it. Her medications are all still where they sat the night she died. The night gown she wore to the funeral home is folded and sitting in her recliner. Her favorite books are sitting where the foot of the bed was. The sheets that were on her bed are draped on her chair. I can't bring myself to touch it, nor do I want to. I know I'll be ready eventually. Not yet.

2. I actually have days where I try not to think about the fact that she is gone. I would never go so far as to say that I lie to myself or try to convince myself she's NOT gone. I just try not to think about it.

3. I can't imagine getting old with my husband anymore. I am, by no means, ready to die...but, I can't imagine living without my girl for another 50+ years. It is just too much.

4. I blame Brandon's work schedule for keeping us out of therapy/counseling. The truth of the matter is I'm not ready to rip the band aid off yet. It hurts so much just to think about my girl...I can't imagine devoting time to sit with a stranger and analyze and share. Unbearable.

5. I am finally, two months later, getting to the point where I am letting myself actually feel some of the emotions that are running through me. I was talking with a nurse in my family doctor's office the other day. She was telling me how happy they always were to see Hadley and how she always just brightened up the whole office. I started tearing up and I was SO shocked and embarrassed. As I drove home I thought about how ludicrous it was that I would find crying so crazy. Ugh.

6. I have been home while the boys are at school and Brandon is at work for 2 months now. My house is a disaster area. Nothing is organized the way I'd like it to be, the painting that got dropped when Hadley declined hasn't been picked back up again, the garage is total chaos, and stuff that got shoved in my laundry area awaiting permanent 'homes' is still sitting there. What have I been doing? Oh, yes, keeping myself busy and trying to avoid my house. *sigh*

7. I've all but given up on handling 'business' type calls. I get frustrated, people are cranky and/or rude, I have to listen to sappy music that makes me cry...and I wind up in tears or irrationally upset over the stupidest things.

8. I sometimes think Hadley's cat, Baby Hope, is channelling her. Don't laugh. This cat is nuts. She sleeps and plays in the bathtub. Yeah.

You see, I am a mess like every other person out there. I just thought you should know. *snort* Now, maybe I'll feel more obligated to get some stuff done.

Anaphylaxis...

This is who I felt like this afternoon. Now, let me start at the beginning. Brandon FINALLY got a day off so, after hitting the gym, we went to Chang's Mongolian Grill for lunch. Then we headed downtown to Powell's Books. After a while my stomach was really hurting and I thought I ate too much. Within minutes the palms of my hands were painfully itchy and turning BRIGHT red. It spread quickly to my face, trunk and arms. I told Brandon we needed to go and by the time we'd walked to the car I was so swollen and red and itchy. Before we reached the freeway my tongue was swelling and I was having a hard time swallowing. I told Brandon he needed to hurry to the hospital. We were exiting the freeway and about a block away when I really started having a hard time breathing and pretty much panicked. For almost 2 months now all I've thought about is seeing and holding my sweet Hadley again. In those scary moments all I could think of was Brandon and the boys. This couldn't be happening to them. It just couldn't. I wasn't afraid for myself, I was afraid for them. So, so afraid. I was able to walk in to the ER and as soon as they saw me and I tried to speak they plopped me in a wheelchair and ran me back to a room. Before I could try to blink the room was full of docs and nurses and Brandon was still at the desk getting me checked in. They were hooking me up trying to get an IV started, and drawing meds up. All I could think of was Brandon and the boys and how I HAD to stay here with them. I couldn't be the cause of more pain for them. We were there for about 2 hours. Thankfully the epinephrine, benadryl and prendisone cocktail worked. The swelling and hives stopped and eventually started receeding. My vitals got back to normal etc. and I was released. I get to carry around an epi kit with me everywhere I go now. I have no idea what I ate that would have caused this. The assumed high rate of cross contamination at a place like Chang's makes it even harder to really pin point. So, I'm following up with my regular doctor tomorrow to see about some testing. Until I figure it out I think I'm going to be a bit paranoid.

I am still pretty puffy and itchy but, overall feeling much better. I'm really tired from all the IV benadryl and a bit anxious from the epi and prendisone. I have a few days of benadryl and prendisone to take then I should be as good as new. Anaphylaxis is SO fun. *oy* By the way, Brandon says I looked more like this than Sloth. =) He's such a sweetie. =)

My Snowflake...

I've finally figured out what my next tattoo will be. A snowflake. When Hadley died the weather got crazy. Insane. The day of her funeral Portland started getting hit with snow. The highways shut down, flights were cancelled, it was utter chaos and we all had to smile about it. Everyone knew it was our girl. We could all hear her beautiful laughter. She brought beauty into our lives even while we were in the depths of our grief. Most of the children who knew Hadley now thank her for the snow. We all think that God asked her what she wanted to be in charge of...and I can totally hear her saying "I like snow!". =)

There are several legends surrounding snowflakes but, I thought this one was especially beautiful (and fitting).

JANUARY (second flower)

Snowdrop
Birth Month Flowers
- symbolizes hope and the return to life after the long winter months.
- one legend tells about an angel who breathed on a snowflake in his hand to release it as the first snowdrop flower to comfort Eve after being banished from Eden. It was the angel who showed how Hope was born

- another tells of the snowdrop being the first flower to bloom when spring comes around; it was the only flower that agreed when asked by God, to give some of it's color to snow (German origin)

- they are delicate, faintly honey-scented flowers from the lily family. They have tough, grey-green leaves that extend after flowering. These have a tough sheath protecting the growing tip from damage as it chisels its way up through cold-hardened ground. 'Snow piercer' is one name given to snowdrops


So, what I'd like to ask you all for help designing/finding a snowflake for this tattoo. I'm thinking of putting it on the back of my neck or maybe behind an ear. Please help me out. I am SO incapable of designing/drawing this on my own. Thanks all. =)

When I grow up...

I came across this video on a friend's MySpace page. I LOVE finding random bits of my girl unexpectedly. It just puts a huge smile on my face. I know I've shared this before but, it's just too cute not to share again. =)




We miss you sweet girl.

Relay For Life.

My friend, Shauna, is participating in Relay for Life in San Diego. She is relaying in memory of Hadley. If you can, please support her.

http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR/RelayForLife/RFLFY09CA?px=8884509&pg=personal&fr_id=13745

Thank You!

Broken.

Today I have no picture,cute story, funny joke or tasty recipe. My heart just hurts. I miss my girl. I miss every last bit of her. I feel wrong and out of place without her. I am really and truly trying to keep going. Most of the time I succeed. The rest of the time is ugly. I really never knew a person's heart could ache like this...

Baby bug, mommy misses you so, so much. I hope and pray every day that heaven is everything you dreamt of and more. I pray that you aren't missing us like we're missing you. I pray there are babies everywhere and lots of chicken 'meat nuggets'. Have you met Gramma Fox yet? I'll be you two are having fun eating cookies and getting to know each other. I'm sure she was pleased to finally get to hug on you. =) Have you and Honey been playing baker lady and snuggling babies together? Is Papa still trying to scare little kids with spooky faces and being grumpy when Honey spoils you? How are Gramma Bubbles, Papa and Mama's daddy? Are you and Stevie having lots of fun? You wanted to be a teenager so bad. Do you get to be a teenager and hang out with Stevie? Do you two giggle about boys and act silly? Have you gotten to hold baby Hannah Joy yet? How about Dave, have you seen him? Did you tell him how much his family misses him and give him a big hug?

My heart is broken baby girl. I miss you leaning your face inclose to mine and tilting your cheek towards my lips and waiting for me to kiss it. I miss your crooked smile. I miss shopping for clothes for you. I miss your silly little jokes and how you thought they were the funniest thing EVER. I miss everywhere we went seeing people's faces light up when they saw you. You made so many people smile sweet girl. You brought a lot of love into our lives. We miss you so much. So, so much.


*sigh*