Wednesday, February 18, 2009

The Ugly Truth...

Because so many people have claimed to admire my strength and perseverance, I feel a need to share some 'weaknesses'.

1. My Hadley left this earth more than 2 months ago. Her room remains as it was the day the hospital came to pick up her specialty furniture. I haven't done ANYTHING with it. Her medications are all still where they sat the night she died. The night gown she wore to the funeral home is folded and sitting in her recliner. Her favorite books are sitting where the foot of the bed was. The sheets that were on her bed are draped on her chair. I can't bring myself to touch it, nor do I want to. I know I'll be ready eventually. Not yet.

2. I actually have days where I try not to think about the fact that she is gone. I would never go so far as to say that I lie to myself or try to convince myself she's NOT gone. I just try not to think about it.

3. I can't imagine getting old with my husband anymore. I am, by no means, ready to die...but, I can't imagine living without my girl for another 50+ years. It is just too much.

4. I blame Brandon's work schedule for keeping us out of therapy/counseling. The truth of the matter is I'm not ready to rip the band aid off yet. It hurts so much just to think about my girl...I can't imagine devoting time to sit with a stranger and analyze and share. Unbearable.

5. I am finally, two months later, getting to the point where I am letting myself actually feel some of the emotions that are running through me. I was talking with a nurse in my family doctor's office the other day. She was telling me how happy they always were to see Hadley and how she always just brightened up the whole office. I started tearing up and I was SO shocked and embarrassed. As I drove home I thought about how ludicrous it was that I would find crying so crazy. Ugh.

6. I have been home while the boys are at school and Brandon is at work for 2 months now. My house is a disaster area. Nothing is organized the way I'd like it to be, the painting that got dropped when Hadley declined hasn't been picked back up again, the garage is total chaos, and stuff that got shoved in my laundry area awaiting permanent 'homes' is still sitting there. What have I been doing? Oh, yes, keeping myself busy and trying to avoid my house. *sigh*

7. I've all but given up on handling 'business' type calls. I get frustrated, people are cranky and/or rude, I have to listen to sappy music that makes me cry...and I wind up in tears or irrationally upset over the stupidest things.

8. I sometimes think Hadley's cat, Baby Hope, is channelling her. Don't laugh. This cat is nuts. She sleeps and plays in the bathtub. Yeah.

You see, I am a mess like every other person out there. I just thought you should know. *snort* Now, maybe I'll feel more obligated to get some stuff done.


Anonymous said...

...and as crazy, stupid, ridiculous *snort* as it all is, what you are experiencing is TOTALLY NORMAL!

Have you been to my house lately?? I'm FINALLY at a point where I am starting my grieving process 2 1/2 years after Mark died. I am the Mom and I had a child to take care of. The bare necessities is all that was taken care of, as tough as it is, give yourself a break. NO ONE can tell you how YOUR grieving process should or shouldn't happen. It's YOURS to own and work through.

Remember, I'm here, along with many others, praying for you daily. I woke up to an amazing Pink Sky and thought of you guys first thing today. I spoke of you at the Dougy Center last night, you should look into that ... it's not far from you. David LOVES to go!

As always, call and let's get together, or not ... whatever you need.

Love you!!!


Dawnette said...

There is nothing ugly on this list. You are still amazing to me, probably even more so now. You have a strength that shines, even when you don't see it. Thanks for being honest. I love you and pray for you daily.


Nissa said...

Your human? that is depressing ;)

Amanda: said...

Oh Mama Fox... I still think you're super strong and handling all of this amazingly well - no matter how you try and convince me otherwise :)

Thinking of you, of course, just like always!!!

liz said...

you are allowed....

The Coatney's said...

love you. and i still think you are amazing. you can't change my mind.

Anonymous said...

You're human, and your feelings are normal. You may think of them as weaknesses, but I still think of you as one of the strongest women I know. I pray for your family and Hadley daily.

buddyclark said...

Amazing is what I call it . . .truly amazing that you can even keep going.

Anonymous said...

the fact that you have sat down and typed all this is amazing one day you should write a book about your amazing little Hadley