Sometimes you find hope in the most unexpected places. I'm 'used to' searching out hope. I've read books and articles on finding and identifying your hopes. I've hoped in the darkest of times. I never expected to find hope in a desert. I did.
I recently took a trip to sunny Arizona. It wasn't a vacation. I was going to try and heal my very broken spirit. I was going to confront a boy that had broken my heart, again. I didn't want to go. Confrontation is not one of my strong suits. When I'm hurt deeply I'm much more comfortable bandaging my wounds securely and walking away. This hurt was so deep, though, that I needed help even identifying where I was injured. I was so broken I couldn't bandage myself this time. Simply put, I went on this trip for my kids. Period. End of story. I wasn't their mom in the weeks that followed my separation from Brandon. I wasn't anything I usually am. I was a broken heap of a human. I knew I needed to heal and do better. So, I went.
I spent five very full, very exhausting days at Family Week in the rehab Brandon has been at for the past 35 days. I learned a lot about myself. I learned a lot about what it's like to be human. Not super human, not perfect...just human. I learned about emotions and what it's like to actually experience them and the effects of NOT experiencing them...and how much damage that actually does. I learned tools to begin to heal. I felt empowered. I was making progress toward my goals.
I never did have the opportunity to confront the boy that hurt me, though. Believe me, I was looking for him the whole time I was there. He just wasn't to be found. I did have opportunities to confront a man. A responsible man. A caring and vulnerable man. A man whose heart is broken, but open. This man, though I call him my husband, is not a man I recognized but, by the end of the week I had grown to love him.
This new man left rehab today. He is out in the real world to continue his healing process and to build a life for himself and his family. I ask you to join me in praying for him. The road ahead will not be easy. Possible, there's always HOPE, but not easy.
For the time being, I am not filing for divorce. The boys and I will remain in Oregon. I will be on a healing journey of my own. We will take this time to build ourselves up and heal. This spring/summer we will reevaluate where we are and decide if marriage counseling and reconciliation is right for us. For now, we are focusing on being a good parenting team for the boys and supporting each other in our individual growth and healing processes.
We will likely have a few visits between now and summer. The first will be next weekend for Liam's birthday. We also have plans to spend Christmas together as a family. Please be prayerful for all of us but, especially for our sweet, tender-hearted boys. They've had to endure more than any child should and are still thriving. Please pray for them to continue to grow and learn and for us, as their parents, to make the right choices for them and ourselves.
*In the spirit of full disclosure, this is not the first time I have written this post. I've had a few drafts and wasn't satisfied with any of them. It took me a while to figure out what was wrong. I realized this morning that I wasn't blogging or sharing myself. I was writing a persuasive essay on my life and choices. I'm an adult. It's not my job to convince anyone that I am or am not making good choices. What I'm trying to say is that while I appreciate and respect people's opinions and concerns they are theirs (yours) not mine. This is not to say that I can't handle or don't want to hear them. I am working on more open honest communication. Any explaining I do, however, is simply to help those I love to not worry (as much) about the boys and I. I am not asking for approval. I don't expect you to understand. I know how messy this is.