Brandon's career with the Coast Guard ended in mid August. It was unexpected and happened very quickly...but that's not my story to tell, I guess. He was immediately offered a job with The Idaho Dept of Corrections, so we were on the move once again. Thankfully, we're old hats at the whole moving gig.
Just as we were really beginning to settle in, I found out that Brandon has been deceiving me in some pretty major ways for the past few years. I'll not go in to details here but, believe me when I say, this is not something that 'we' will heal from. It will take me quite some time to heal on my own, but I will. I am committed to it. He moved out the same day all hell broke loose. The boys are confused and miss their dad. It kills me that Brandon's choices are hurting my boys...hurting me. We've already lost so much...and now they're losing more. I know we'll be fine. I know they'll have a good life. I know that I can do this...but as certain as I am of that I am just as angry that I have to. I'm angry that my kids are hurting. I'm angry that such a major decision in my life was made for me...without my consent. I'm just angry. I'm taking the advice of those closest to me and using that anger to get me through these hard days.
Having said that...I have this really weird feeling. Maybe some of my fellow cancer/angel parents can validate this, but as big of a loss as this is/would be to others...it's...well, it's hard to put in to words without sounding calloused and jaded. Maybe I am those things, but this loss is not earth shattering. It's just something that is. My marriage is over. My house is broken. My heart is hurt. This will not destroy me, though. Not even close. I lost my girl and have survived it. I have laughed and dared to love following the biggest heart break of my life...so this, certainly, will not break me. I will thrive. I will do the work I need to do to heal and my life will go on. I will smile. I will find joy. I've got this.
The first order of business is moving back home. My family is in Oregon...and Brandon has decided against the job he was offered here and moved away...so the boys and I decided together that it is best for us to go home. My mom is, graciously, letting us stay with her while I find a job, figure out schooling etc. I'm so thankful for this gift. The boys are so excited...as Grammy has a little farm and property that they love to explore. So...this weekend we head back to Oregon.
I know there is a beautiful life waiting for us. I know it'll take work and a lot of determination, but I'm committed to it. The boys deserve it. I deserve it.
Please pray for us as we find a new normal...redefine family...learn how to navigate this new life of ours.
Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
4 comments:
My dear friend...here you go again. Amazing. I can't envy your strength as I wouldn't want to have done all it took you to earn it. But I can respect and truly admire it. Just remember....while life does go on, sometimes you really WON'T smile or find joy. And your confidence will waver. I have faith in your ability to move mountains, but sometimes you'll need to retreat to the caves, too. I have a spectacular network of single parent friends if you want connections when you get home. <3
My heart hurts for you and the boys... but I know you will rise above this. Sending much love and many, many prayers.
You've got this... That's right. I totally get where you are coming from. XOXO.
Oh, Mama Fox... I'm sorry to hear about the sadness, but I love how you still manage to be positive. I'll be holding your little family in my heart and keeping you guys in my prayers.
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