Sunday, April 26, 2009

Blessed and Cheated...

The Blessed
The Cheated


Today was discouraging, hard, sad...horrible. So bad that I actually did the one thing that I vowed I'd never do and meant. I yelled at my boys because I am sad and angry that my girl is gone. I feel terribly guilty and will do everything in my power to never ever do that again. EVER.

Most days I am thankful, so thankful, that I get to say that I am Hadley's mom. I feel blessed that she is mine and I am hers. I feel lucky that my boys are healthy and happy and amazingly well adjusted. I feel proud that my marriage is strong and, no matter how imperfect, our love and relationship is genuine and real. I have everything I need and more. I am an extremely blessed woman who lost her child.

Today, I feel angry. Angry that Hadley's miracle was in heaven and not here with me. Confused as to why things played out the way they did. Why did Hadley die when so many other children survive? Sad that I have so many years ahead of me without this child that I learned to love so completely and knew so well. I feel cheated and let down. I wonder why. Did we not pray hard enough? Were there not enough people begging for her miracle? Did we not scour the country for a cure? Did we not do everything we were asked by her doctors? Did I not give her EVERY dose of medicine exactly as I was instructed? Did we not sacrifice enough with Brandon being gone so much and me single parenting? Was it not enough that she was sick in the first place? Were the surgeries and treatment not a big enough load to bear?

I feel stuck between two places. Almost as if I have two lives. The one that is rich and happy and blessed...and the one with this horrible tragedy. This deep dark sadness that doesn't let go. In one scenario I feel lucky to be alive...in the other, I feel as though I'm constantly on the verge of nervous breakdown. The problem is that I don't have multiple personality disorder. That almost seems like an easier scenario to deal with. I have to make these two scenarios one.

This is my life. This is my grief. This is love. When you love someone with all of your heart it breaks entirely when they have to move on. I gave my girl all of myself for the 8 years she was here. I neglected the rest of my life and now I am having to work to figure out who I am without her here. It's something I'd much rather not do. I'd rather her just be here with me. I loved who I was when I was with Hadley. Maybe I need to figure out how to be 'me with Hadley' without Hadley. *sigh*

8 comments:

Amanda: said...

Oh Mama Fox... that just breaks my heart to hear. I'm so sorry that you have to learn to live with her gone. If there was anything I could do to change that, it would be done in a heartbeat.

I don't know the journey that you're on, but I do know that you are an AMAZING mama who would lay down her life for her kids, and they know it. I truly hope tomorrow is a brighter day.

Holding you in my heart tonight.

HayBroFoEv said...

I love you.

Braeden, Morgan & Danica's Mom said...

So glad I call you best friend!
I love you!

Marissa said...

I love you Mama Fox! You are always close to my heart and in my prayers.

bella1021 said...

Hugs!....

Kathy Hooper said...

Angela, you are in my thoughts and prayers daily. It's not fair that you have to learn to live your life without Hadley's daily physical presence.

Amanda said...

I love you sister!!!

Zach and Beth said...

Ang, if I had the words that could take away your pain and this entire tragedy, I would do it in an instant. Unfortunately, there are no words that will likely even offer you the comfort you desperately need and deserve. We continually pray for you all. Because you chose to share yours and Hadley's stories, we are not the same. We have been forever touched by the hope and love you all shared - not to mention your faith.